I recently spent several nights staying at one of my favorite chic Manhattan hotels. While my primary purpose for the visit was work, there was also ample opportunity to enjoy the hotel’s social spaces while entertaining clients each evening. This most recent stay was my third visit to the hotel and while certainly not unique to one city, hotel or venue, it is my experience that this particular hotel lounge seems to draw an unusually high number of over-confident, overly-aggressive men seeking to interact with the opposite sex.
My first experience was nearly a year ago as I sat in the same lounge, sipping a glass of white wine, awaiting my client’s arrival. I noticed a gentleman standing approximately ten feet away, staring and smiling at me as he leaned against the faux fireplace hearth of the dim, candle-lit lounge. He appeared to be attractive and well-dressed in a European-cut business suit. And at first glance, I did not actually view him as a potential suitor but rather earnestly tried to determine if he was the managing partner of the firm with whom I was currently meeting with during my daytime hours in the city. I had met the partner approximately a year before and in the dim lighting, I suspected it was him and felt a bit embarrassed that I was uncertain. Accordingly, as he continued to smile, I smiled back and gave a subtle wave, slightly lifting my hand off of my chair’s armrest. It was at that exact moment that my client arrived; we greeted one another and immediately became engaged in conversation. When I finally looked around the room several minutes later, the mysterious man had disappeared.
A couple of hours and a couple of glasses of wine later, I bid farewell to my client and walked through hotel lobby to the elevator bank. As I paused to press the elevator call button, Mystery Man appeared at my side. As I looked over, he smiled and I quickly realized he was not the firm’s managing partner, but rather a complete stranger to me. He wasted no time in introducing himself and telling me he had watched me all evening (hmmm, flattering or stalker-ish?), intending to approach me but then becoming shy when my friend arrived. He insisted I join him for a glass of wine and while he was certainly a bit too aggressive for my taste, he was handsome, it was still early and so I agreed. He quickly procured two glasses of pinot noir and we selected a quiet table in the corner of the lounge. He began asking me questions about myself but I immediately realized that while the questions were thoughtful and creative, he did not allow me to answer a single one of them. Our conversation went something like this:
Him: What are your three favorite things to do in Manhattan?
Me: Well, I always love to...
Him: YES!!! Me TOOIADOREManhattanthatswhyI’velivedhereforthepastsixyearsand
lovelivingontheuppereastsidewhereIhaveabeautifulcondothatIboughttwoyearsago…BLAH BLAH BLAH!
It became clear within less than five minutes that I was long overdue to bid this man goodnight and accordingly, I opted to finish the last two thirds of my wine in a few quick gulps (poor form but I just couldn’t abandon a full glass!). I swallowed the final drops as he was describing at length how amazingly “in tune” he was with women due to the fabulous listening (huh??) lessons his beloved mother had taught him… Really?! Was this a joke?? Perhaps I was on Candid Camera??
He politely escorted me back to the elevators where he removed his cell phone from his pocket and advised me that I was going to give him my number so that he could take me to dinner on my next trip to the city. As I attempted to think of a somewhat polite but firm reply, I asked him one defining question: “Do you even remember my name?” He smiled sweetly and in his best attempt to be smooth, he asked if it really mattered, explaining I would simply be listed as the “Most Beautiful Blonde I’ve Ever Met” in his phone…
Ummm, yeah… actually, it DID matter. It mattered a lot. And, thanks to his response, I felt not a single pang of guilt as I simply turned my back to him and walked into the waiting elevator…alone.
Lemon: There’s a quote that offers the following advice: to actually get someone interested in oneself, one must simply be sincerely interested in that OTHER PERSON… end of story.
Honey: hmmm, perhaps that nice glass of wine…
Friday, October 30, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
Perhaps it is just THAT simple...
I travel frequently for work and accordingly, I observe lots of people: leisure travelers, business travelers, individuals, families and couples. I especially find it interesting to observe the dynamics of older couples. You know, those that have been together for decades… those that have experienced the celebrations and disappointments as well as have established the everyday routines that define much of their time. More often than not, it seems one is walking several feet ahead of the other, carrying the majority of the carry-on baggage, grumbling at how long the “slow one” is taking, how they are going to miss their flight, etc. etc. Alternatively, it’s not uncommon to see both standing still in the middle of a high foot-traffic area – oblivious to their surroundings – passionately disputing the direction they should be going to reach their destination.
On a recent flight, I watched an elderly couple make their way down the narrow aisle of the airplane. When they reached their seats – next to me – he patiently grabbed for her purse while she automatically searched for his book in their carry-on luggage. They seated themselves, checking in on one another’s comfort and needs – seatbelts fastened? need some water? or a back pillow? Upon introduction, they shared that they were en route on the annual trip to visit their children on the opposite side of the country. This past summer, they had celebrated their 56th wedding anniversary.
I watched them interact throughout the flight… she had packed snacks for them and when distributing them, she carefully inspected each of the sandwiches to ensure she gave him the one with extra mayonnaise. As well, he got the grapes and she took the apples, explaining to me that she always packed their favorite fruits. As a recent hip replacement recipient, he was slow and tentative in his movements. At one point, he strained for several minutes to get up out of his seat and move into the aisle. When he finally made it to a standing position, he exhaled and turned to his wife to smile. I looked at her – for just a brief moment - as their eyes locked and both smiled at one another. In that snapshot, there was an indescribable, but palpable connection.
As we neared the end of our flight, I asked my seatmate what she believed was the “key” to a successfully marriage…. She inhaled and turned, twisting her upper body to look at me directly. She then smiled and slowly said three words: understanding, patience and respect. As I nodded my head and raised my eyebrows to await the rest of the magical recipe, I watched carefully as she returned to her original position, placed her head against the back of the seat and closed her eyes. It was only then, perhaps for the first time ever, I acknowledged to myself that perhaps it really was that exquisitely simple.
Honey: Wow, we spend so much time reading books and advice columns, listening to relationship “experts” when really, perhaps all we need is to simply apply some very basic concepts that when done intentionally and consistently, can be remarkably powerful.
On a recent flight, I watched an elderly couple make their way down the narrow aisle of the airplane. When they reached their seats – next to me – he patiently grabbed for her purse while she automatically searched for his book in their carry-on luggage. They seated themselves, checking in on one another’s comfort and needs – seatbelts fastened? need some water? or a back pillow? Upon introduction, they shared that they were en route on the annual trip to visit their children on the opposite side of the country. This past summer, they had celebrated their 56th wedding anniversary.
I watched them interact throughout the flight… she had packed snacks for them and when distributing them, she carefully inspected each of the sandwiches to ensure she gave him the one with extra mayonnaise. As well, he got the grapes and she took the apples, explaining to me that she always packed their favorite fruits. As a recent hip replacement recipient, he was slow and tentative in his movements. At one point, he strained for several minutes to get up out of his seat and move into the aisle. When he finally made it to a standing position, he exhaled and turned to his wife to smile. I looked at her – for just a brief moment - as their eyes locked and both smiled at one another. In that snapshot, there was an indescribable, but palpable connection.
As we neared the end of our flight, I asked my seatmate what she believed was the “key” to a successfully marriage…. She inhaled and turned, twisting her upper body to look at me directly. She then smiled and slowly said three words: understanding, patience and respect. As I nodded my head and raised my eyebrows to await the rest of the magical recipe, I watched carefully as she returned to her original position, placed her head against the back of the seat and closed her eyes. It was only then, perhaps for the first time ever, I acknowledged to myself that perhaps it really was that exquisitely simple.
Honey: Wow, we spend so much time reading books and advice columns, listening to relationship “experts” when really, perhaps all we need is to simply apply some very basic concepts that when done intentionally and consistently, can be remarkably powerful.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Should relationships require "work"?
When visiting my family this past summer, I spent an afternoon with my ex. After a few not-so-friendly years, we have reached a point where we are friendly and respectful. He had recently located some of my possessions and we used the exchange as an excuse to meet for lunch. Upon his acceptance of our break-up being final, he engaged in another relationship within a matter of weeks. Within a few weeks of meeting, they were exclusive. And in less than three months, they had moved in together. While they had experienced their share of not-so-private problems throughout their relationship (he has a large, loud family that still interacts with mine), they had recently purchased a house together and now, at lunch, he told me that they planned to get married before the end of the year. Their wedding date would be nearly five months shy of their two year anniversary. While the reader may make a variety of assumptions about the timeframe of their relationship and subsequent quick engagement, I believe the most interesting part is the effort they appear to be contributing in trying to make the relationship “work”. He told stories of angry fights, packing bags and deeming it was “over” on more than one occasion. He told of tearful reunions and promises of change. And, he told of regular visits to a couples’ therapist, beginning only a few months into the relationship. My immediate and not-so-silent reaction was that the relationship appeared to be requiring far too much effort at such an early point. In addition, was something on such unstable ground truly sustainable???
As a lover of flowers, I like to think of a relationship as a flower seed: a seed gets planted in the soil and this is the equivalent to meeting someone new and having those first few dates… at that point, it’s established that there is an attraction, likely on a few different levels: intellectual, physical and perhaps even emotional or spiritual. It is at this point that, if both parties are interested, that the seed begins to sprout. A few tiny sprouts that, if cultivated successfully, have the potential to grow into a solid, robust plant. In a new relationship, that nurturing can be as fundamental as planning fun activities to do together… or maybe a thoughtful “surprise” text or phone call … it may be seeing a movie or trying a restaurant that the other person can’t wait to see or visit…it may be less tangible like a quick affectionate touch, feeding the person a bite of food or simply seeking to understand his/her unique perspective on the world. It is the combination of this stuff that serves as the water, food and sunshine fostering the seed to push above ground and eventually, with care and attention, to possibly turn into a beautiful flowering plant. And even as the seed grows, inching above the soil, demonstrating some strength and potential for longevity, the growing plant still must be thoughtfully cared for… in fact, it is especially at this delicate stage that the seed requires consideration. If left unattended – without a delicate and regular combination of water, food and sunshine – it can simply give out unexpectedly leaving us to wonder what went wrong and whether there is any hope for revival.
The question is this though: at what point does the cultivation become too much “work”?? Where do we draw the line and acknowledge that the seed is simply requiring too much from us?
Honey and Lemon: I suspect that sometimes we want things to come to us a bit too easy. But, I also suspect that when we mistake “easy” for meaning that no effort or energy is required, we may miss out on an amazing garden that simply takes some time and patience to cultivate. I think the “honey” is the experience and insight to recognize the potential for a truly amazing flower blossom. In contrast, I think the toughest part is to recognize when a relationship begins (early on or even months or years into it) to require nurturing to the point that it takes away from the water, food and sunshine needed to sustain oneself. It is at this point, that we also must be honest and true in recognizing when the plant is simply unsustainable for perhaps more than a season or two (hmmm, is that an annual or perennial plant?? I don’t know but I think you get what I mean!).
As a lover of flowers, I like to think of a relationship as a flower seed: a seed gets planted in the soil and this is the equivalent to meeting someone new and having those first few dates… at that point, it’s established that there is an attraction, likely on a few different levels: intellectual, physical and perhaps even emotional or spiritual. It is at this point that, if both parties are interested, that the seed begins to sprout. A few tiny sprouts that, if cultivated successfully, have the potential to grow into a solid, robust plant. In a new relationship, that nurturing can be as fundamental as planning fun activities to do together… or maybe a thoughtful “surprise” text or phone call … it may be seeing a movie or trying a restaurant that the other person can’t wait to see or visit…it may be less tangible like a quick affectionate touch, feeding the person a bite of food or simply seeking to understand his/her unique perspective on the world. It is the combination of this stuff that serves as the water, food and sunshine fostering the seed to push above ground and eventually, with care and attention, to possibly turn into a beautiful flowering plant. And even as the seed grows, inching above the soil, demonstrating some strength and potential for longevity, the growing plant still must be thoughtfully cared for… in fact, it is especially at this delicate stage that the seed requires consideration. If left unattended – without a delicate and regular combination of water, food and sunshine – it can simply give out unexpectedly leaving us to wonder what went wrong and whether there is any hope for revival.
The question is this though: at what point does the cultivation become too much “work”?? Where do we draw the line and acknowledge that the seed is simply requiring too much from us?
Honey and Lemon: I suspect that sometimes we want things to come to us a bit too easy. But, I also suspect that when we mistake “easy” for meaning that no effort or energy is required, we may miss out on an amazing garden that simply takes some time and patience to cultivate. I think the “honey” is the experience and insight to recognize the potential for a truly amazing flower blossom. In contrast, I think the toughest part is to recognize when a relationship begins (early on or even months or years into it) to require nurturing to the point that it takes away from the water, food and sunshine needed to sustain oneself. It is at this point, that we also must be honest and true in recognizing when the plant is simply unsustainable for perhaps more than a season or two (hmmm, is that an annual or perennial plant?? I don’t know but I think you get what I mean!).
Monday, October 5, 2009
Heart versus Head...
As an admittedly analytical person, I am the first to acknowledge that I often spend too much time in my head, over-thinking situations or trying to make logical sense of my feelings. In fact, this tendency to over-analyze was made glaringly apparent several years ago when I engaged in the process of examining and ultimately choosing to end my decade-long relationship.
In hindsight, what made the break-up such a long process what that I was initially negating what my heart (or intuition) was telling me. He and I had a "paper-perfect" relationship... meaning, that on paper, everything was ideal: common values, shared hobbies and interests, career compatibility and mutual respect. Accordingly, it took me two very long years to put my finger on why I was so terribly unhappy. In fact, at one point I even made an excel-style spreadsheet to analyze my relationship! I listed qualities and values I wanted in a life partner and assessed how present they were in my current relationship. Interestingly enough, I was unable to come to any conclusion about the relationship until I paused, breathed and simply listened to my heart. It was at that point that it all became crystal clear. It wasn't about a list or a logical reason. It was, quite simply, about acknowledging and honoring my feelings.
While I think living our most fulfilled life requires a balance of both, I know it is necessary for me to regularly make a concerted effort to tune into the "heart" piece of it... to simply check in with my feelings about something or someone. I suspect that, to some readers, this seems common sense and second nature. To those thinking that, I so admire you! And, to those pondering which words they will use in their next excel spreadsheet, assigning points and making lists, I ask you this: where does your intuition play into it all? And more importantly, how do you know when it is speaking to you? How do you truly honor it??
Lemon: Brain-only, over-analysis = more analysis and often paralysis for me.
Honey: Continuing to seek that delicate balance between heart and head is key for me... listening to my intuition and yet, still allowing logic to factor into it all...
In hindsight, what made the break-up such a long process what that I was initially negating what my heart (or intuition) was telling me. He and I had a "paper-perfect" relationship... meaning, that on paper, everything was ideal: common values, shared hobbies and interests, career compatibility and mutual respect. Accordingly, it took me two very long years to put my finger on why I was so terribly unhappy. In fact, at one point I even made an excel-style spreadsheet to analyze my relationship! I listed qualities and values I wanted in a life partner and assessed how present they were in my current relationship. Interestingly enough, I was unable to come to any conclusion about the relationship until I paused, breathed and simply listened to my heart. It was at that point that it all became crystal clear. It wasn't about a list or a logical reason. It was, quite simply, about acknowledging and honoring my feelings.
While I think living our most fulfilled life requires a balance of both, I know it is necessary for me to regularly make a concerted effort to tune into the "heart" piece of it... to simply check in with my feelings about something or someone. I suspect that, to some readers, this seems common sense and second nature. To those thinking that, I so admire you! And, to those pondering which words they will use in their next excel spreadsheet, assigning points and making lists, I ask you this: where does your intuition play into it all? And more importantly, how do you know when it is speaking to you? How do you truly honor it??
Lemon: Brain-only, over-analysis = more analysis and often paralysis for me.
Honey: Continuing to seek that delicate balance between heart and head is key for me... listening to my intuition and yet, still allowing logic to factor into it all...
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