Online Dating...

I have mixed feelings about online dating… I have tried it and while I did not make a love connection, I did meet some fun, smart, seemingly good guys in my experience. And, I have three close friends that have met their fiancés and/or spouses on online dating sites. What is particularly interesting to me though is the dramatically different perspective that men and women often have about such sites.

From the female perspective, online dating seems to be focused and intentional. It is for the woman that is definitely interested in pursuing a relationship. In fact, many of my single girlfriends tell me they avoid online dating until they are ready to be “serious” with someone.

In contrast, a male friend recently enlightened me to the fact that many men do not view it the same at all! In fact, he described it as often viewed as a tool to dating efficiency… He carefully explained the theory that many of his friends embrace. For example, if you meet a girl in a bar, there are many obstacles to going home with her that night: she is likely with friends and thus not going to ditch her friends to go home with a stranger; she may already be in a relationship; she may simply be disinterested in dating; etc.

By contrast, when a man meets a woman online, he bypasses the first stage: he already knows she is single and interested in him (after all, she has either initiated online contact or at least responded to his contact, demonstrating some level of interest); he can then move straight to Date #1 which will likely be free of obstacles such a pesky boyfriends and wing-women. Furthermore, online dating allows him to simultaneously interact with multiple women, thus increasing his chances of connecting with several singles in a relatively short amount of time (think: a different date three nights in a row). And finally, it is significantly cheaper than standing at the bar, spending all evening talking (and buying drinks) to one girl who may not even be available or interested!

So readers, online dating as a tool to meet your future life partner…Agree? Disagree?? Love ‘em? Hate ‘em??

Spring is in the air...

Whew! It has been an unbelievably busy few months including tons of work travel, moving to a new home and also, still dating the same man (more on that later). While this blog has gone untouched for the majority of 2010 thus far, it has never been far from my thoughts. What I have struggled with is simply the format in which to continue it. And my commitment to you, my readers is this: shorter, less formal entries as well as (drum roll please…) much, much more frequent entries! What I will also continue to aim for is for my writing to elicit comments from you - agreements, disagreements, similar experiences, stories and rants. And in turn, my goal is to respond to each of those comments as well. So, spring is here, let the entries begin!

Update

Hello Readers,

First off, thank you to those that have inquired about the lack of recent postings... it means a lot that you continue to follow (and follow-up! :)). To that point, the first quarter of 2010 has been nothing short of insanely busy for me in the professional and personal realm...all basically good stuff but just A LOT of it.

I hearby commit to regular posts (and a new shorter, interative format too!) beginning in early April... the good news is that while absent from my blog entries, I have collected an impressive amount of dating stories from friends and family that are out in "the field" and can't wait to share 'em with you!

More to come soon...

"Charmin"

On a recent business trip, I had a opportunity to catch up with my friend, Holly, whom I hadn’t seen in several months. The last time we had spoke, she had just met an attractive stranger at a friend’s wedding and was very excited about the possibility of a new romance. She had attended the wedding solo, sitting with her colleague and husband. When the husband went to the restroom toward the end of the evening, he was gone for longer than usual and finally returned with another man in tow. It seems the other man approached the colleague’s husband while in the restroom, telling him he had noticed the beautiful woman sitting at his table and asked if he would introduce him (I am told this sort of conversation is a rarity in male restroom culture and generally viewed with great intrepidation). Nevertheless, the husband escorted the man to the table and politely introduced him to Holly.

From there, Holly and Jeff spent the final hour of the wedding reception engaged in conversation. And, when the party ended, they moved to a nearby bar to enjoy another glass of wine. When they parted company, Jeff ensured he had Holly’s phone number and a plan to see her again. The only problem was that he lived 250 miles away.

After two weeks and many entertaining phone conversations, Holly agreed to meet Jeff in San Francisco, approximately half way between each of their homes. In an effort to maximize comfort and ensure the relationship progressed slowly, Holly insisted on having her own hotel room. However, after a first evening of fabulous food, witty conversation and several cocktails, Holly found herself sharing a bottle of wine on the couch in Jeff’s room...

Her next memory is of being jolted awake by a loud explosion. Before she knew it, she was sitting upright in the bed, trying to shake off her wine haze and assess her surroundings. Jeff was not in the bed next to her but as she surveyed the room, she noticed a sliver of light coming from beneath the bathroom door. As several more smaller explosions took place, she quickly realized the “explosions” were indeed human - abnormal and seemingly very severe but definitely human. Her next move was simple: avoid confrontation and minimize embarrassment by simply “playing dead”. In her effort not to move, she eventually fell back asleep and awoke again to a sunlit room and still, no Jeff. Upon calling out his name, the bathroom door opened a few inches and Jeff revealed a pale and forlorn face, mumbling something about dinner not agreeing with him and promised to be out in a few minutes.

While Holly expressed her sympathy, it was clear Jeff was embarrassed and unwilling to further discuss the situation as he sat in the hotel’s restaurant, sipping broth and attempting not to vomit. By early afternoon, it was apparent that he was not recovering and both agreed it would be best for him to catch the next flight home, rather than staying an additional night as originally planned.

Jeff did not correspond with Holly at all the following week. Then, after ten days, she received a detailed text message from Jeff (now nicknamed "Charmin" in Holly's cell phone) expressing how sorry he was that things had not worked out between them. He went on to explain that the weekend in San Fran had made it painfully clear to him that he was not yet over his past relationship and was simply not ready to date again. He wished her well and asked that she please respect his feelings by never contacting him again.

Hmmmm, so the question left in Holly's mind was this: did Jeff's sickness actually remind him that he suddenly missed his ex-girlfriend (as per their previous conversations, he has been single for several years, with no significant recent relationships) or rather was it an elaborate excuse to mask his embarrassment??

Holly has another friend's wedding to attend in a few weeks... will this one be "better luck next time" or is three times the charm???

Lemon: Well, if it was indeed an excuse, I think that unfortunately, as unsexy as it may be, we are all human and well, stuff happens... get over it, Jeff.

Blush

A friend often describes the feeling of meeting a man she really likes romantically as meeting someone that makes her "blush.” By “blush”, she is simply referring to what seems to be that all-too-rare feeling of childlike giddiness and excitement about someone… ideally, it lasts far longer than a first date, month or year. And when you feel it, you know it immediately... you know, that person that you sometimes catch yourself daydreaming about at work as you stare at the computer monitor… the one that makes you involuntarily smile when you receive a text message from him… the one that your heart skips a little fraction of a beat when you see his name illuminate your phone… and again, you find yourself smiling when you hang up the phone after a great conversation... and even more so, it’s the one that when you actually see each other in person, it’s even better than the anticipation of the meeting…

While it has been (and will remain) my "policy" to not discuss my current relationship in my blog, I will say this: he… makes… me… BLUSH and I really like it.

So Readers: when is the last time someone made YOU blush? Who was he/she (no no no, we don't need real names)?? What was the situation???

Honey: Duh…

Manners

Break-ups are often, if not always, difficult and painful. The break-up of my decade-long relationship was no different. That said, I also believe that neither of us intended to purposely hurt the other person and thus, we were, for the most part, able to maintain civility and respect for one another throughout the process. As time has passed, we have remained friendly, although not in regular contact. Our communication has included a handful of coffees or lunches when exchanging possessions or documents as well as calls on birthdays and the occasional text or email to simply check in and say hello.

As mentioned in a previous entry, he has entered into another relationship but is still in regular contact with my parents. So perhaps it is fitting that my father was the one that told me that my ex is currently en route to Hawaii for his wedding this week. And, furthermore, that the bride-to-be is pregnant!!

Now, I can say with 100% certainty that I have absolutely no remorse at ending my relationship with him, nor do I feel any disappointment that it is not me. However, I cannot help but feel disappointed that he did not bother to call, email or even text me this significant and life-changing news. I understand that perhaps the thought of such a conversation may feel uncomfortable or awkward to him (not sure why, as he’s certainly shared information about her before – see earlier blog entry), but I still maintain that it is appropriate (and well, expected) that after spending such a significant part of our lives together, it would simply be “good manners” to communicate such important news directly to me.

So readers… your thoughts…am I expecting too much? Is this unrealistic??

Honey: Well, I am sincerely glad he has moved on and I do wish him`happiness and fulfillment in his life.

Lemon: Need I restate it? It’s just plain ol’ BAD MANNERS!

A Waste of Good Wine...

I recently spent several nights staying at one of my favorite chic Manhattan hotels. While my primary purpose for the visit was work, there was also ample opportunity to enjoy the hotel’s social spaces while entertaining clients each evening. This most recent stay was my third visit to the hotel and while certainly not unique to one city, hotel or venue, it is my experience that this particular hotel lounge seems to draw an unusually high number of over-confident, overly-aggressive men seeking to interact with the opposite sex.

My first experience was nearly a year ago as I sat in the same lounge, sipping a glass of white wine, awaiting my client’s arrival. I noticed a gentleman standing approximately ten feet away, staring and smiling at me as he leaned against the faux fireplace hearth of the dim, candle-lit lounge. He appeared to be attractive and well-dressed in a European-cut business suit. And at first glance, I did not actually view him as a potential suitor but rather earnestly tried to determine if he was the managing partner of the firm with whom I was currently meeting with during my daytime hours in the city. I had met the partner approximately a year before and in the dim lighting, I suspected it was him and felt a bit embarrassed that I was uncertain. Accordingly, as he continued to smile, I smiled back and gave a subtle wave, slightly lifting my hand off of my chair’s armrest. It was at that exact moment that my client arrived; we greeted one another and immediately became engaged in conversation. When I finally looked around the room several minutes later, the mysterious man had disappeared.

A couple of hours and a couple of glasses of wine later, I bid farewell to my client and walked through hotel lobby to the elevator bank. As I paused to press the elevator call button, Mystery Man appeared at my side. As I looked over, he smiled and I quickly realized he was not the firm’s managing partner, but rather a complete stranger to me. He wasted no time in introducing himself and telling me he had watched me all evening (hmmm, flattering or stalker-ish?), intending to approach me but then becoming shy when my friend arrived. He insisted I join him for a glass of wine and while he was certainly a bit too aggressive for my taste, he was handsome, it was still early and so I agreed. He quickly procured two glasses of pinot noir and we selected a quiet table in the corner of the lounge. He began asking me questions about myself but I immediately realized that while the questions were thoughtful and creative, he did not allow me to answer a single one of them. Our conversation went something like this:

Him: What are your three favorite things to do in Manhattan?
Me: Well, I always love to...
Him: YES!!! Me TOOIADOREManhattanthatswhyI’velivedhereforthepastsixyearsand
lovelivingontheuppereastsidewhereIhaveabeautifulcondothatIboughttwoyearsago…BLAH BLAH BLAH!

It became clear within less than five minutes that I was long overdue to bid this man goodnight and accordingly, I opted to finish the last two thirds of my wine in a few quick gulps (poor form but I just couldn’t abandon a full glass!). I swallowed the final drops as he was describing at length how amazingly “in tune” he was with women due to the fabulous listening (huh??) lessons his beloved mother had taught him… Really?! Was this a joke?? Perhaps I was on Candid Camera??

He politely escorted me back to the elevators where he removed his cell phone from his pocket and advised me that I was going to give him my number so that he could take me to dinner on my next trip to the city. As I attempted to think of a somewhat polite but firm reply, I asked him one defining question: “Do you even remember my name?” He smiled sweetly and in his best attempt to be smooth, he asked if it really mattered, explaining I would simply be listed as the “Most Beautiful Blonde I’ve Ever Met” in his phone…

Ummm, yeah… actually, it DID matter. It mattered a lot. And, thanks to his response, I felt not a single pang of guilt as I simply turned my back to him and walked into the waiting elevator…alone.


Lemon: There’s a quote that offers the following advice: to actually get someone interested in oneself, one must simply be sincerely interested in that OTHER PERSON… end of story.

Honey: hmmm, perhaps that nice glass of wine…