As an admittedly analytical person, I am the first to acknowledge that I often spend too much time in my head, over-thinking situations or trying to make logical sense of my feelings. In fact, this tendency to over-analyze was made glaringly apparent several years ago when I engaged in the process of examining and ultimately choosing to end my decade-long relationship.
In hindsight, what made the break-up such a long process what that I was initially negating what my heart (or intuition) was telling me. He and I had a "paper-perfect" relationship... meaning, that on paper, everything was ideal: common values, shared hobbies and interests, career compatibility and mutual respect. Accordingly, it took me two very long years to put my finger on why I was so terribly unhappy. In fact, at one point I even made an excel-style spreadsheet to analyze my relationship! I listed qualities and values I wanted in a life partner and assessed how present they were in my current relationship. Interestingly enough, I was unable to come to any conclusion about the relationship until I paused, breathed and simply listened to my heart. It was at that point that it all became crystal clear. It wasn't about a list or a logical reason. It was, quite simply, about acknowledging and honoring my feelings.
While I think living our most fulfilled life requires a balance of both, I know it is necessary for me to regularly make a concerted effort to tune into the "heart" piece of it... to simply check in with my feelings about something or someone. I suspect that, to some readers, this seems common sense and second nature. To those thinking that, I so admire you! And, to those pondering which words they will use in their next excel spreadsheet, assigning points and making lists, I ask you this: where does your intuition play into it all? And more importantly, how do you know when it is speaking to you? How do you truly honor it??
Lemon: Brain-only, over-analysis = more analysis and often paralysis for me.
Honey: Continuing to seek that delicate balance between heart and head is key for me... listening to my intuition and yet, still allowing logic to factor into it all...
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My friend - if it makes you feel better, I admire those that can take the time to make excel spreadsheets about feelings, and not rush head first into bad decisions. Balance, is as always key.
ReplyDeletePalmTreeGirl,
ReplyDeleteLong time reader, first time commenter. Quite frankly, posts like this one scare me. If everything was 'good on paper' with this ex of yours, then what was it that made you fall out of love with him? I understand that your heart has to definitely be in it, but doesn't it worry you that you can fall out of love, just like that, with no apparent reason behind it? What does that say for any other relationship that you one day find yourself in... what's to stop you from simply falling out of love again just because your heart is telling you so?
It seems to me that there's either one of two things going on here. Either there is in fact some reason that you can pinpoint as to why the love just stopped (ie: grew apart, someone changed, outside circumstances, feeling too tied down, etc). Or, your heart truly does just change on a whim. If it's the latter, what's to prevent it from happening again? And more importantly, shouldn't the current person that you're dating be worried about this? He could do everything 'right', and be paper perfect but one day have you tell him that you just don't feel it anymore. Furthermore, does it scare YOU that this could happen again... whether it be months or even years into a relationship?
I understand that there are no guarantees in life and sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith... however if a random change of heart can end a decade long relationship then there's much more to fear in this cruel world of relationships than I thought.
Dear Skeptical By Nature,
ReplyDeleteFirst off, thank you for your thoughtful comments. I can’t tell you how much it means to me that someone actually reads this, let alone takes the time to comment.
I hear what you are saying and for me it was absolutely not a 'random change of heart' or a case of the love just stopping. My post may have been unclear in that but actually, it was really about my learning to step away from purely logic and incorporate listening to my intuition into my decision-making.
At the point I met and became involved with my ex, I was very young emotionally and in hindsight, I didn't quite know who I was or what I wanted, let alone what I needed in a lifelong partner. As he and I both evolved, I came to realize that we were (and always had been) very different people. And sadly, there was no amount of talking or therapy that would make either of us into someone we were not. The problem was that while we were very different, we looked "great on paper" and thus, my logical analysis always left me wondering why I was feeling so terribly unhappy if everything "should" have been right.
There is, of course, much more I could write about this but out of respect for the relationship and your reading patience, I will leave it there. I do hope this clarifies it a bit though. I do believe in lifelong love. I also believe that finding it and nurturing it takes a combination of things including self awareness/knowledge, logic as well as intuition/trusting in one's "gut".