This month is my two year anniversary of moving to a new city and the official beginning of placing the checkmark in that little box indicating that I am “single”. When I arrived, I had just ended a decade-long relationship and was suddenly single, for the first time really, as an adult. This truth was simultaneously exhilarating and terrifying. The last time I dated was in college and really, was that even dating? In fact, I’m quite sure that attending a frat party because my roommate’s friend’s cousin’s brother lived there or drunk dialing that hot guy from my chem lab was indeed not dating. Now, in my mid-30’s, I didn’t quite know where to begin.
So, I’ve jumped in head first – I enthusiastically go to bars, parties and work-sponsored events. I ask friends to set me up and I've even ventured onto the plethora of online dating sites. Accordingly, I've begun dating and dating A LOT. While sometimes funny, occasionally embarrassing, all-too-often disappointing and at times even a little bit sad, I’ve noticed some common themes in the type of men I date. In fact, some weeks I've felt like I’m on a carnival ride that keeps passing the same familiar landmarks as it spins around, making me dizzy and a bit nauseous.
Then, a happily married colleague shared her story with me: she spent ten years – yep, you read that right: ONE WHOLE DECADE – dating. She explained that after a failed relationship, she began to approach dating very strategically. She believed that each date, good or bad, would at the very least yield insight into the qualities most important to her in a life partner. Throughout the process, she began compiling an actual handwritten list of her “Must Haves” as well as her “Dealbreakers”.
Now, I am not discounting chemistry or intuition here – I think both are of the utmost importance in life and certainly, in love – but as a natural-born list maker, I think this idea might be worth a shot. I don’t believe that there is a right or wrong answer to any of this and I fully recognize that nothing in life is simply black and white. But, after nearly two years on the same crazy carnival ride, I’m thinking: “What the heck??! Let’s give the list a try!”
And so begins my list of the "Honey" (this is that stuff that I really, really want in my world – it makes life just a little bit sweeter) and the "Lemons" (in contrast, while sometimes okay in small amounts, this is the stuff, when consistently present that just leaves my stomach a bit uneasy). While the content is accurate, the dates, times and locations are sometimes changed to protect the innocent (well, and in some cases, simply to keep my mother from guessing it’s me!). Oh, and don’t worry guys, I’ve changed your names too. My hope in writing this is for clarity and that perhaps, just maybe, my experience will inspire you too… not necessarily to make your own list, but rather not to settle into a relationship that is missing a key component of what you know you want and need for true fulfillment. Simply put, life is just too short to settle.
So, I’ve jumped in head first – I enthusiastically go to bars, parties and work-sponsored events. I ask friends to set me up and I've even ventured onto the plethora of online dating sites. Accordingly, I've begun dating and dating A LOT. While sometimes funny, occasionally embarrassing, all-too-often disappointing and at times even a little bit sad, I’ve noticed some common themes in the type of men I date. In fact, some weeks I've felt like I’m on a carnival ride that keeps passing the same familiar landmarks as it spins around, making me dizzy and a bit nauseous.
Then, a happily married colleague shared her story with me: she spent ten years – yep, you read that right: ONE WHOLE DECADE – dating. She explained that after a failed relationship, she began to approach dating very strategically. She believed that each date, good or bad, would at the very least yield insight into the qualities most important to her in a life partner. Throughout the process, she began compiling an actual handwritten list of her “Must Haves” as well as her “Dealbreakers”.
Now, I am not discounting chemistry or intuition here – I think both are of the utmost importance in life and certainly, in love – but as a natural-born list maker, I think this idea might be worth a shot. I don’t believe that there is a right or wrong answer to any of this and I fully recognize that nothing in life is simply black and white. But, after nearly two years on the same crazy carnival ride, I’m thinking: “What the heck??! Let’s give the list a try!”
And so begins my list of the "Honey" (this is that stuff that I really, really want in my world – it makes life just a little bit sweeter) and the "Lemons" (in contrast, while sometimes okay in small amounts, this is the stuff, when consistently present that just leaves my stomach a bit uneasy). While the content is accurate, the dates, times and locations are sometimes changed to protect the innocent (well, and in some cases, simply to keep my mother from guessing it’s me!). Oh, and don’t worry guys, I’ve changed your names too. My hope in writing this is for clarity and that perhaps, just maybe, my experience will inspire you too… not necessarily to make your own list, but rather not to settle into a relationship that is missing a key component of what you know you want and need for true fulfillment. Simply put, life is just too short to settle.
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