Someone recently asked me to recall my worst first date… While there are several that could compete for second place, there is a clear winner for “The Worst”.
I initially met Lucio (sounds exotic, doesn’t it? Well, he was actually a pale, freckled, red-headed, self-described “almost-half Italian” New Yorker) in broad daylight on a busy street. I had recently purchased a fantastic new sundress that made me feel like a movie star. Its inauguration was a simple dinner with girlfriends. I arrived to the restaurant early and wandered the busy street, browsing in several boutiques. As I was standing just inside the door of one shop, I saw a man walk by the storefront, look in, then back up and enter the shop, walking directly toward me. He apologized for “bothering me” but said he just had to ask if I was an actress (ah, the dress was working!)… He continued to explain that he had done a lot of theater work in New York and was certain he had worked with me before on stage. While this was possibly the cheesiest pick-up line I had ever heard, we chatted a bit and he was actually funny and seemed like a fairly nice guy. He explained he was in the process of launching a theater company in my town and asked for my email address so he could add me to the mailing list. I produced a business card and we said goodbye.
A few days later, Lucio called me at work to inquire if I wanted to be spontaneous and join him for an afternoon iced tea after walking his dog at the local park. I was unavailable and while I was not initially attracted to him, I appreciated his creativity and in the name of giving someone a chance, I agreed to meet him for a cocktail later in the week.
We agreed on a popular happy hour venue located between each of our homes. I had advised that I had dinner plans later in the evening but could briefly meet for one drink. I began to think the time would be very brief indeed when he called to confirm, told me he hadn’t been able to stop thinking of me and asked if I had told my mother about him yet…not so funny. As I arrived at the bar, I received a phone call from Lucio telling me he was running late and would be there shortly. He then told me that he was nearly 12 blocks away and that he was walking!
When he finally arrived, dripping in sweat, in a stained t-shirt, shorts and flip flop sandals, he decided the first bar was too fancy and that we should go next door instead (I will spare the details but this happened two more times before we settled on an empty, well air-conditioned sushi restaurant several blocks from our original venue). The host seated us and as I slid into my side of the booth, he squeezed in next to me – on the same side! Seeing what I am sure was a horrified look on my face, he explained that he just wanted to be close enough so we could talk and get to know each other (really?!).
While I give him credit for asking, um… thoughtful questions, when coupled with the close proximity, a continually sweating brow (he used several cocktail napkins to try to sop up the sweat) they felt invasive, bordering on inappropriate. After dodging multiple questions about my relationship background and parents’ relationship dynamics, I politely inquired about his family, specifically if he had siblings. He immediately launched into a story of being with his family at the Jersey Shore a few years before when his brother suddenly experienced a massive heart attack and died instantly. He went on at length to reminisce about their childhood, all while getting more and more emotional. I wasn’t sure whether to feel pity that he chose to focus on such a sad (and sadly inappropriate!) first date story or to feel doubt that it was even a true story. As he used the few remaining napkins to dry his tears, I decide I really didn’t want to know. I quickly downed the remainder of my cocktail, suddenly “noticed” the late hour and rushed to meet my dinner date which, by the way, was take-out Thai food and a movie, alone on my couch...the best part of my evening.
Honey: Courage to approach a stranger, creativity in dating ideas
Lemons: Just too many to list on this one!
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Best of the Best??
My favorite airport wine bar is at Sea-Tac Airport in Seattle. I found it a couple of years ago, seeking a relaxing glass of wine between connections and have since attempted to make it part of my trip anytime I’m there – it’s a refuge from the chaos, complete with a cheese menu and an impressive wine list. Several months ago, I sampled a flight of three whites. Upon finishing the tasting, I selected a clear favorite – a 2005 Italian pinot grigio - and ordered a glass. At that time, it seemed to be the absolutely best pinot grigio I had ever tasted. The coasters are specific to each wine, providing the varietal, vintage and tasting notes. I carefully tucked my coaster away, willing myself to remember to search for the wine in my local wine shop.
A few months later, I found myself again between flights at Sea-Tac, near giddiness at the opportunity to visit “my spot” again. After rummaging through my wallet, I uncovered the crumpled coaster and proudly placed my wine order by displaying it for the server. The anticipation was delicious as I anxiously awaited the first few sips. However, when it arrived, the first sip was absolutely nothing like I had remembered! It was a bit sharp, slightly acidic and seemed to have a medicinal quality to its finish. It was far from the magic I had enthusiastically expected. Upon confirmation that it was indeed the same exact wine and was a perfectly healthy bottle, the questions began to form in my mind… Had I simply adored it the first time because it was the “best” compared to the other available choices? Additionally, had I liked it the first time but then made it so much bigger and better in my mind that there was no way it could ever possibly live up to my exceedingly high expectations? And slightly more concerning, am I doing the same thing with the guy I recently met???
Ryan and I met several weeks ago and due to being unable to coordinate schedules (both of us travel extensively for work), we have talked on the phone but have not yet scheduled our first official date. I met him on a flight, while stranded in the middle seat, surrounded by an adolescent Girl Scout troop going on their first plane ride. He was a calm island in a sea of noise and chaos. I couldn’t help but wonder though: was he like the 2005 Italian pinot grigio? Did I find him so witty, so brilliant and so attractive simply because of the surroundings in which we met? Furthermore, was I building him up to be even better - larger than life, really - the longer we waited to schedule our date??
Honey or Lemon?? In my quest to define my Honey and Lemons, isn’t it part of my mission to aim for objectivity (as much as the heart allows) in defining my H&L’s, rather than just selecting the “best guy on the airplane”??
A few months later, I found myself again between flights at Sea-Tac, near giddiness at the opportunity to visit “my spot” again. After rummaging through my wallet, I uncovered the crumpled coaster and proudly placed my wine order by displaying it for the server. The anticipation was delicious as I anxiously awaited the first few sips. However, when it arrived, the first sip was absolutely nothing like I had remembered! It was a bit sharp, slightly acidic and seemed to have a medicinal quality to its finish. It was far from the magic I had enthusiastically expected. Upon confirmation that it was indeed the same exact wine and was a perfectly healthy bottle, the questions began to form in my mind… Had I simply adored it the first time because it was the “best” compared to the other available choices? Additionally, had I liked it the first time but then made it so much bigger and better in my mind that there was no way it could ever possibly live up to my exceedingly high expectations? And slightly more concerning, am I doing the same thing with the guy I recently met???
Ryan and I met several weeks ago and due to being unable to coordinate schedules (both of us travel extensively for work), we have talked on the phone but have not yet scheduled our first official date. I met him on a flight, while stranded in the middle seat, surrounded by an adolescent Girl Scout troop going on their first plane ride. He was a calm island in a sea of noise and chaos. I couldn’t help but wonder though: was he like the 2005 Italian pinot grigio? Did I find him so witty, so brilliant and so attractive simply because of the surroundings in which we met? Furthermore, was I building him up to be even better - larger than life, really - the longer we waited to schedule our date??
Honey or Lemon?? In my quest to define my Honey and Lemons, isn’t it part of my mission to aim for objectivity (as much as the heart allows) in defining my H&L’s, rather than just selecting the “best guy on the airplane”??
Friday, May 1, 2009
Dit Voor Dat...
I was taught the term "dit voor dat" by my Dutch friends. It has been loosely translated to several English phrases but most accurately means, "this for that". Mark was not Dutch but shared the Dutch affection for Heineken and the royal color of orange as well as what turned out to be a very strong belief in the "dit voor dat" mentality.
Mark and I met online and enjoyed our first in-person meeting over margaritas at a Mexican cantina in my neighborhood. It was spontaneous - he called after having a business dinner nearby and offered to meet wherever I was most comfortable. There was an instant attraction, conversation was easy and he was a traditional gentleman by insisting to pay the bill, pulling out my chair, opening doors and offering to walk me home.
Things started to shift on our second date when Mark called to advise me he had procured dinner reservations at a popular Italian restaurant near his home. When I asked what time, he suggested I leave early to allow enough time for traffic as the restaurant was very firm on their assigned reservation times. Confused, I inquired if we were meeting at the restaurant and he replied that no, we would simply meet at his home as it was easier to take one car to the restaurant. He then went on to explain that he would come pick me up but the restaurant was so close to his home that it simply didn't make sense. Please note that our homes were exactly 4.2 miles apart (yes, I measured it!).
Over dinner, we recounted childhood stories of minor mischief, college stories of greater mischief and adult stories of dating nightmares. We found a lot in common - shared similar backgrounds and a sarcastic sense of humor. In hindsight, it was because of these commonalities that I overlooked the tranportation challenges. At the end of the evening, we selected a date for our next encounter but did not discuss details.
Two days before Date #3, I received a text message from Mark advising me that it was now my turn to plan and that he would be awaiting instructions. Ever the optimist, I embraced an opportunity to be creative and made reservations at a local Ethiopian restaurant, known for it's authentic cuisine and atmosphere. On the afternoon of our date, I texted a teaser about "traveling to North Africa" and received an immediate reply back reminding me that he had previously mentioned (really?) he did not like any Indian or Africa food (bit of a broad scope for a world traveler, isn't it?). I bit my tongue (or rather my texting finger in this case) and made reservations at a trendy North American "tapa" bar. I also suggested he drive as the restaurant was in my neighborhood this time.
Things were tense from the start of the evening. And, over the first few sips of pre-dinner cocktails, he broached the topic. He explained that he felt as if I was not contributing enough to the "relationship" (relationship? uh, this was date #3, right?). He proceeded to compare, point by point, everything he had "contributed" on our previous two dates. This list included items such as: "calling to make the reservation" and "walking to the bar to order two more drinks". Furthermore, he felt as if I was insensitive to his preferences by even suggesting Ethiopian food and was even more disappointed that my second restaurant choice was so conveniently located near my home, an obvious inconvenience for him to easily reach. Needless to say, there was no meal that evening... Several days later, I received a text message from him suggesting we should "talk about it". I cannot share here exactly what I responded with, but I assure you, it affirmed that I would make no further "contributions" to the "relationship".
Lemons: While I believe fairness and mutual contribution are foundations for a fulfilling relationship, I do not believe that keeping a running tally of "points earned" is the key to tracking one's commitment.
Mark and I met online and enjoyed our first in-person meeting over margaritas at a Mexican cantina in my neighborhood. It was spontaneous - he called after having a business dinner nearby and offered to meet wherever I was most comfortable. There was an instant attraction, conversation was easy and he was a traditional gentleman by insisting to pay the bill, pulling out my chair, opening doors and offering to walk me home.
Things started to shift on our second date when Mark called to advise me he had procured dinner reservations at a popular Italian restaurant near his home. When I asked what time, he suggested I leave early to allow enough time for traffic as the restaurant was very firm on their assigned reservation times. Confused, I inquired if we were meeting at the restaurant and he replied that no, we would simply meet at his home as it was easier to take one car to the restaurant. He then went on to explain that he would come pick me up but the restaurant was so close to his home that it simply didn't make sense. Please note that our homes were exactly 4.2 miles apart (yes, I measured it!).
Over dinner, we recounted childhood stories of minor mischief, college stories of greater mischief and adult stories of dating nightmares. We found a lot in common - shared similar backgrounds and a sarcastic sense of humor. In hindsight, it was because of these commonalities that I overlooked the tranportation challenges. At the end of the evening, we selected a date for our next encounter but did not discuss details.
Two days before Date #3, I received a text message from Mark advising me that it was now my turn to plan and that he would be awaiting instructions. Ever the optimist, I embraced an opportunity to be creative and made reservations at a local Ethiopian restaurant, known for it's authentic cuisine and atmosphere. On the afternoon of our date, I texted a teaser about "traveling to North Africa" and received an immediate reply back reminding me that he had previously mentioned (really?) he did not like any Indian or Africa food (bit of a broad scope for a world traveler, isn't it?). I bit my tongue (or rather my texting finger in this case) and made reservations at a trendy North American "tapa" bar. I also suggested he drive as the restaurant was in my neighborhood this time.
Things were tense from the start of the evening. And, over the first few sips of pre-dinner cocktails, he broached the topic. He explained that he felt as if I was not contributing enough to the "relationship" (relationship? uh, this was date #3, right?). He proceeded to compare, point by point, everything he had "contributed" on our previous two dates. This list included items such as: "calling to make the reservation" and "walking to the bar to order two more drinks". Furthermore, he felt as if I was insensitive to his preferences by even suggesting Ethiopian food and was even more disappointed that my second restaurant choice was so conveniently located near my home, an obvious inconvenience for him to easily reach. Needless to say, there was no meal that evening... Several days later, I received a text message from him suggesting we should "talk about it". I cannot share here exactly what I responded with, but I assure you, it affirmed that I would make no further "contributions" to the "relationship".
Lemons: While I believe fairness and mutual contribution are foundations for a fulfilling relationship, I do not believe that keeping a running tally of "points earned" is the key to tracking one's commitment.
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