Dit Voor Dat...

I was taught the term "dit voor dat" by my Dutch friends. It has been loosely translated to several English phrases but most accurately means, "this for that". Mark was not Dutch but shared the Dutch affection for Heineken and the royal color of orange as well as what turned out to be a very strong belief in the "dit voor dat" mentality.

Mark and I met online and enjoyed our first in-person meeting over margaritas at a Mexican cantina in my neighborhood. It was spontaneous - he called after having a business dinner nearby and offered to meet wherever I was most comfortable. There was an instant attraction, conversation was easy and he was a traditional gentleman by insisting to pay the bill, pulling out my chair, opening doors and offering to walk me home.

Things started to shift on our second date when Mark called to advise me he had procured dinner reservations at a popular Italian restaurant near his home. When I asked what time, he suggested I leave early to allow enough time for traffic as the restaurant was very firm on their assigned reservation times. Confused, I inquired if we were meeting at the restaurant and he replied that no, we would simply meet at his home as it was easier to take one car to the restaurant. He then went on to explain that he would come pick me up but the restaurant was so close to his home that it simply didn't make sense. Please note that our homes were exactly 4.2 miles apart (yes, I measured it!).

Over dinner, we recounted childhood stories of minor mischief, college stories of greater mischief and adult stories of dating nightmares. We found a lot in common - shared similar backgrounds and a sarcastic sense of humor. In hindsight, it was because of these commonalities that I overlooked the tranportation challenges. At the end of the evening, we selected a date for our next encounter but did not discuss details.

Two days before Date #3, I received a text message from Mark advising me that it was now my turn to plan and that he would be awaiting instructions. Ever the optimist, I embraced an opportunity to be creative and made reservations at a local Ethiopian restaurant, known for it's authentic cuisine and atmosphere. On the afternoon of our date, I texted a teaser about "traveling to North Africa" and received an immediate reply back reminding me that he had previously mentioned (really?) he did not like any Indian or Africa food (bit of a broad scope for a world traveler, isn't it?). I bit my tongue (or rather my texting finger in this case) and made reservations at a trendy North American "tapa" bar. I also suggested he drive as the restaurant was in my neighborhood this time.

Things were tense from the start of the evening. And, over the first few sips of pre-dinner cocktails, he broached the topic. He explained that he felt as if I was not contributing enough to the "relationship" (relationship? uh, this was date #3, right?). He proceeded to compare, point by point, everything he had "contributed" on our previous two dates. This list included items such as: "calling to make the reservation" and "walking to the bar to order two more drinks". Furthermore, he felt as if I was insensitive to his preferences by even suggesting Ethiopian food and was even more disappointed that my second restaurant choice was so conveniently located near my home, an obvious inconvenience for him to easily reach. Needless to say, there was no meal that evening... Several days later, I received a text message from him suggesting we should "talk about it". I cannot share here exactly what I responded with, but I assure you, it affirmed that I would make no further "contributions" to the "relationship".

Lemons: While I believe fairness and mutual contribution are foundations for a fulfilling relationship, I do not believe that keeping a running tally of "points earned" is the key to tracking one's commitment.