That Darn Text Messaging...

As described in the recent response to my last post, texting is all-to-often thought of as a terribly frustrating dating "tool". While the majority of my female friends agree that texting can be useful, the caveat is that it should only serve as a supplement - not a replacement - to verbal communication. While often touted as fast, convenient and sometimes even sexy or flirtatious (most of us have received a super-hot "sextext" at least once, right?). Text messages can also be painfully vague and ambiguous... leaving the receiver to squirm in minutes (okay, sometimes hours...or even days) of confusion, followed by excruciating over-analysis. And, alas, texts can even remove the oh-so-human, personal touch of something that should truly be communicated only in person.

This point was made painfully clear to me with one of the first men I dated when I became single. His name was Chris and he was an artsy, intellectual film editor. He knew all the hippest hippster spots to go in his funky neighborhood, including a tiki-style lounge that we both ended up at with friends one evening. He approached me as I sat at the bar with my girlfriend. He explained he had just stopped in for a quick beer before heading off to rehearse with his garage band and after apologizing for the interruption, he went on to explain that he just had to tell me that I was the "absolute most beautiful woman" in the entire bar. Call me a sucker, but that line worked like a charm! We had our first date lined up before he finished his last swig of beer. From there, we proceeded to date regularly for the next six weeks... local bands, music festivals, funky, eclectic restaurants and art exhibits. We quickly got into a routine of spending our Saturday evenings together. So, when I had not heard from him by Thursday one week, I left a voice message offering to make a reservation at a restaurant we'd discussed visiting. When I still didn't hear from him on Friday, I assumed he was simply busy and we would connect on Saturday... Then, when I didn't hear from him on Saturday mid-morning, I called again and left another voicemail (yes, yes, I know what you must be thinking but please remember that this was only the second guy I had dating after a decade-long relationship!)... It was nearly midnight on Saturday when Chris finally texted the following message: "sorry 4 not calling, too much sh*t happnin right now". Upon reading it the next morning, I immediately called my closest single male friend, Matt, to help me decipher the puzzle. Matt bluntly explained that, in his opinion, Chris did not have any earth-shattering "sh*t" happening....that if he did, and it was indeed the reason he couldn't see me, he would have shared it in detail with me... ON THE TELEPHONE. As well, Matt pointed out that the fact that Chris texted at midnight, likely meaning that he did still want to see me but only in a "booty call" capacity from this point forward... meaning limited public outtings, no more meals and only late night weekend text communication. As I slowly nodded my head, attempting to comprehend this foreign perspective, I asked my friend Matt one final question: would it be appropriate for me to at least respond to him - if only for closure - and simply tell him I was sorry he felt that way, it was nice to meet him and perhaps wish him well??? Matt's answer was a firm and resounding "NO."

Question to my readers... What is the most offensive, disappointing or misunderstood text you have ever received???


Honey: Good ol' interactive verbal communication...for the sweet, kind and good as well as even the painfully tough stuff!

What Now?

Well, it has been nearly two months since our first date and while still very early in "relationship time", Paul (that's right, the guy from Speed Dating!) continues to be someone I very much enjoy spending time with and getting to know. We have wined and dined, shopped, cooked, attended events and are currently in the midst of planning our first weekend away together. While the first months of our dating life have provided plenty of rich content with which to populate my blog, my wish is not to make this a journal for the inevitable ups and downs of my relationship, but rather to create a more interactive forum focused upon the topics of dating and relationships in general.

As I have recounted tales of Paul's courting behavior, I have had several single girlfriends tell me that his conduct serves as a meaningful reminder to them. A reminder that guys like him do still exist. And a reminder to not accept those first dates from guys that text 10 minutes before they want to go out and then, have no idea where to go or what to do! And here's the deal: what Paul has done (and continues to do) is really not all that difficult and sadly, it shouldn't be that unusual. BUT (and I hope all the guys reading this are paying attention), his dating behavior is indeed rare and, quite obviously, sincerely appreciated by more women than just me.

What is this mysterious behavior, you ask? Well, quite simply, it is treating the woman as if you really would like to take her out. It is having respect for her and her time. There is no magic formula but it can be as basic as: calling rather than texting; as having a plan - suggesting activities, bar/restaurants (and even making a reservation!); offering to drive (even if she lives six - or even ten - miles away!); opening the car door (and that restaurant/bar door too!)... It is these seemingly small actions that make us feel a little bit extra special and as if you actually want to spend time with us.

So I now invite you, the reader, to share your stories... the "best of's..." as well as those "worst of's...". What's your best first date story? And what about your most disappointing first date?

Rethinking my Speed Dating Experience...

It seems that I may have prematurely determined that I felt no chemistry with one of my speed dating candidates… Out of the twelve guys I met, I did actually indicate on my dating card that I was interested in one of them - Paul. During the six minute “date”, I wasn’t entirely sure that we connected but I was physically attracted to him and he appeared to be intelligent and have a good sense of humor. In addition, he and his buddy stayed after the formal event was over to chat with my girlfriend and me. At that time, I didn’t really think he was specifically interested in me, but the four of us seemed to have a good rapport, lots of laughter and we easily finished off the last of the wines from the tasting event.

It was two days later when I received an email that we had both selected one another as potential matches. The email provided one another’s contact information and I received a "nice to have met you" email from him three days later. From there we began a witty banter between several email exchanges before deciding on a date to meet. Upon confirmation of a timeframe - “Sunday late afternoon/early evening” – he offered a variety of impressively creative suggestions including: (1) attendance at a local sporting event, (2) a walk and casual dinner in his waterfront neighborhood, (3) coming to my neighborhood or (4) taking his convertible for a drive to watch the sunset and dine at a cozy Mediterranean restaurant along the coastline. I am a sucker for convertibles and great sunsets so it was a no-brainer, I easily chose option #4.

We met in his neighborhood at 6pm, jumped into his convertible and embarked on a near-perfect Sunday afternoon drive along the gorgeous coastline. Our interaction immediately felt easy and very natural. Upon arrival to the restaurant, the bartender provided our first glasses of wine in paper cups so we could take them to the beach to watch the waves and sunset. Our dinner reservation was for 7pm but it was a bit past the hour when we returned to the restaurant. Paul was not only attractive as well as charming with his quick wit and sarcastic humor but was also a traditional gentleman, holding doors and even locating a napkin to clean the sand off of the heels of my shoes as we returned from the beach.

Upon being seated, we ordered a bottle of wine and an appetizer, then continued our conversation. We enthusiastically discussed topics such as our favorite vacation spots, most interesting neighborhoods, spirituality, elementary school pranks and the latest New York Times bestseller – the content was varied and entertaining. It felt like thirty minutes may have passed when the waiter tentatively approached our table and apologetically asked if we would mind placing the orders for our entrées as the kitchen was closing in five minutes – at 10PM! We quickly made our menu selections and later acknowledged that we hardly remembered eating our food because we were talking and laughing so much. We took our final bites of the crème brulee as the last employees were turning off the lights in the surrounding dining spaces. Our drive back along the water was again full of engaging conversation. In total, our date lasted nearly eight hours and as I left, I could hardly wait to see him again.


Lemon: hmmm, this is a tough one… still pondering the downside of what appears to be a great connection…

Honey: It is nearly impossible to fake, fairly rare and so rewarding to connect with someone in meaningful conversation past the obligatory “cocktail chatter”. Truly fulfilling dialogue requires a fine balance between listening, asking questions and contributing information… in this case, the balance felt effortless.

Text or call...does it really matter??

Kelly and I used to live in the same city. She moved nearly two years ago and now, when she visits for work, we always fiercely protect one evening just for the two of us -foodies at heart - to try the newest restaurant and, of course, catch up… So, when Nick approached us at the bar of my local neighborhood pub, Kelly and I were completely engrossed in a post-dinner conversation and could not have been more disinterested in meeting anyone. When he introduced himself, I even gave him my faux “bar name”. However, Nick was persistent…asking what the unique beverage was that we were drinking (a nightcap of Frangelico), where we were from and sharing that he was meeting his college-aged sister for cocktails and catch up. His sister soon arrived and he excused himself. Flash forward an hour and he was back at the bar, paying his bill and making small talk with us while he waited. As he apologized for interrupting us, acknowledging that it looked as if we were engaged in a serious discussion, I think we both began to realize he was quite attractive, charming and actually seemed to be a sincerely nice person. As he gave us each his business card, explaining he was new in the neighborhood and would love to meet up for drinks sometime, I fessed up, admitting my real name and apologizing for the lie. He simply laughed it off as his sister joined him at the bar and he politely introduced her before bidding us farewell.

I emailed him a few days later apologizing again for the faux name. He then used the phone number provided in my automatic signature to call me and ask me to meet him for drinks. Now, as many single women can attest, the mere ability (and choice, mind you) to use a telephone number to call, rather than to simply text message someone, is often a near-instant cause for rejoice and celebration! He was IN! There was absolutely no way I would miss going out with this seemingly all-too-rare man that not only was attentive enough to notice the phone number but also used it… to CALL - a rare gem indeed!

We met at another neighborhood haunt, this one equipped with a lounge-y patio area and a live jazz band. It was just loud enough to provide comfort for any lags in conversation and yet quiet enough to easily chat. Conversation was easy and I was even more attracted to him than before. He was smart, witty and attentive. As a hobby musician, he knew some of the band members and politely introduced me to them at a break in the set. In addition, it seems we found several common interests, including a love of hole-in-the-wall bars, great espresso and unique cheeses!

He texted the following morning, telling me how much he’d enjoyed our time together. In this case, I was more than happy to simply receive a text. However, in the week following, our sole communication has continued to be in the form of text-only, both to check in as well as to set up our next date. Perhaps I am being a bit old-fashioned here, but is it too much to expect someone to actually call when arranging future plans??

Honey: This date was a pleasant reminder of what it is like to be pursued by someone: boy meets girl, boy calls girl, boy asks girl out, boy and girl go out and have fun…truly nice!

Lemon: Post-date text-only communiqué…

Will a six-minute date really lead to love???

I’ve always been curious about speed dating so when my friend, Sarah asked me to join her on a “wine tasting and speed dating” event, I happily accepted. Then as the event inched closer, Sarah and I began to call, text and email each other with our growing (and perhaps slightly unrealistic) concerns, all while simultaneously trying to remind ourselves of the great benefits of meeting new people AND trying new wines. We nervously wondered if anyone would show up at all…and if they did show up, would they all be too old… too young… socially awkward or worse yet… serial killers???

Sarah and I sat in my parked car before the actual event, contemplating an alternative plan (as it turned out, the classy wine tasting venue appeared to be a section of a warehouse-sized liquor store). While in the parking lot, we attempted to discretely assess the quality of men that were entering the store. Our anxiety grew as we endeavored to determine if the cane-using, cardigan-wearing grandfatherly types were just entering the store to buy a bottle of alcohol or actually seeking to meet us.

After serious consideration of abandoning the event altogether, we pep-talked, rationalized and rallied one another to enter the boxy building. Upon entry, we were directed to a dark corner tucked behind a massive tequila display. Surprisingly, the corner housed a charming Western-themed nook, lined with wooden bar stools, a faux bar and even a shingled rooftop. We grabbed a wine glass, name tag, notepad and took our assigned spots (the men would move every six minutes to a new person while the women stayed seated). The wine tasting began and shortly after, so did our first six-minute “date”. After a few sips of wine and nervous laughs, the conversation began to flow and surprisingly, I found I was actually enjoying myself! The event involved multiple tastings of various varietals of wine and a total of twelve six-minute dates. While it was quickly apparent that six minutes could easily feel like six hours with some of the men, the overall evening yielded several unexpectedly insightful conversations and a good dose of sincere laughter.


Lemon: While the general demographics of the men where within my desired education, profession and age range, I did not feel chemistry with any of them…

Honey: Risks pay off! After all the fretting and worrying, the overall evening was really quite fun…I socialized with many new people, learned about some interesting hobbies, skills and professions AND tasted some really good wine as well! And heck, if dating is a numbers game, then my numbers are most certainly increasing!

Passenger Seat or Driver??

I met Jeremy several months ago at a mutual friend’s cocktail party and we immediately hit it off… he was intelligent, witty and perfectly sarcastic. After an evening of chatting over cocktails and appetizers, we exchanged business cards and emailed for a few weeks before he suggested we “hang out sometime”. At that point, I suggested some dates and times that I was available, none of which seemed to fit with his schedule. A few weeks later he sent another email, inquiring about my schedule. This time, I simply provided my phone number and suggested he call to discuss. He called a week later. After an hour-long conversation, I was reminded why I had kept in touch with this guy for so many weeks – conversation easily flowed, we laughed a lot and he really seemed to listen and thoughtfully respond to my comments. After a few awkward questions about whether I would like to actually hang out in person (ummm, yeah…duh!), we finally settled on a date to “hang out”.

The date itself was terrific - a day visit to a much-anticipated museum exhibit as well as afternoon cocktails, followed by a lovely dinner. The entire event was extremely well planned. In fact, I even caught a glimpse of a computer-printed sheet of paper listing the names and addresses of all locations we would be visiting, starting with my home address and time of pick-up (Jeremy immediately got points for being very well organized!). He also brought bottled water and sunscreen as much of the day included outdoor gardens. Being together was comfortable, easy and fun. He even referenced future activities that we might enjoy together as well. The date ended with Jeremy very gentlemanly walking me to my door, inquiring whether I really, “honestly” had a good time, a quick hug and an immediate departure back to his car.

It has now been five weeks since our first date. At his initiation, several emails have been exchanged, each commenting on how much fun we had on our date. He even texted me one evening to inquire what I was “up to”… I responded that I was out with our mutual friend and he replied that he was visiting his family several hours away...okay… Our most recent email exchange was an email from him “touching base” and once again, suggesting we “should hang out again soon”...


Lemons: While I truly appreciate Jeremy’s thoughtful planning and respectful approach to our date, I cannot ignore his obvious hesitation. To use a car analogy, I don’t mind driving but definitely hope to swap seats every now and then. I tend to think that being tentative in something like simply initiating a second date may also indicate a tendency to be tentative in even more important topics in the future such as asserting one’s opinion, feelings or initiating discussions on difficult topics. Agree or disagree??

The Worst First

Someone recently asked me to recall my worst first date… While there are several that could compete for second place, there is a clear winner for “The Worst”.

I initially met Lucio (sounds exotic, doesn’t it? Well, he was actually a pale, freckled, red-headed, self-described “almost-half Italian” New Yorker) in broad daylight on a busy street. I had recently purchased a fantastic new sundress that made me feel like a movie star. Its inauguration was a simple dinner with girlfriends. I arrived to the restaurant early and wandered the busy street, browsing in several boutiques. As I was standing just inside the door of one shop, I saw a man walk by the storefront, look in, then back up and enter the shop, walking directly toward me. He apologized for “bothering me” but said he just had to ask if I was an actress (ah, the dress was working!)… He continued to explain that he had done a lot of theater work in New York and was certain he had worked with me before on stage. While this was possibly the cheesiest pick-up line I had ever heard, we chatted a bit and he was actually funny and seemed like a fairly nice guy. He explained he was in the process of launching a theater company in my town and asked for my email address so he could add me to the mailing list. I produced a business card and we said goodbye.

A few days later, Lucio called me at work to inquire if I wanted to be spontaneous and join him for an afternoon iced tea after walking his dog at the local park. I was unavailable and while I was not initially attracted to him, I appreciated his creativity and in the name of giving someone a chance, I agreed to meet him for a cocktail later in the week.

We agreed on a popular happy hour venue located between each of our homes. I had advised that I had dinner plans later in the evening but could briefly meet for one drink. I began to think the time would be very brief indeed when he called to confirm, told me he hadn’t been able to stop thinking of me and asked if I had told my mother about him yet…not so funny. As I arrived at the bar, I received a phone call from Lucio telling me he was running late and would be there shortly. He then told me that he was nearly 12 blocks away and that he was walking!

When he finally arrived, dripping in sweat, in a stained t-shirt, shorts and flip flop sandals, he decided the first bar was too fancy and that we should go next door instead (I will spare the details but this happened two more times before we settled on an empty, well air-conditioned sushi restaurant several blocks from our original venue). The host seated us and as I slid into my side of the booth, he squeezed in next to me – on the same side! Seeing what I am sure was a horrified look on my face, he explained that he just wanted to be close enough so we could talk and get to know each other (really?!).

While I give him credit for asking, um… thoughtful questions, when coupled with the close proximity, a continually sweating brow (he used several cocktail napkins to try to sop up the sweat) they felt invasive, bordering on inappropriate. After dodging multiple questions about my relationship background and parents’ relationship dynamics, I politely inquired about his family, specifically if he had siblings. He immediately launched into a story of being with his family at the Jersey Shore a few years before when his brother suddenly experienced a massive heart attack and died instantly. He went on at length to reminisce about their childhood, all while getting more and more emotional. I wasn’t sure whether to feel pity that he chose to focus on such a sad (and sadly inappropriate!) first date story or to feel doubt that it was even a true story. As he used the few remaining napkins to dry his tears, I decide I really didn’t want to know. I quickly downed the remainder of my cocktail, suddenly “noticed” the late hour and rushed to meet my dinner date which, by the way, was take-out Thai food and a movie, alone on my couch...the best part of my evening.

Honey: Courage to approach a stranger, creativity in dating ideas
Lemons: Just too many to list on this one!