Someone recently asked me to recall my worst first date… While there are several that could compete for second place, there is a clear winner for “The Worst”.
I initially met Lucio (sounds exotic, doesn’t it? Well, he was actually a pale, freckled, red-headed, self-described “almost-half Italian” New Yorker) in broad daylight on a busy street. I had recently purchased a fantastic new sundress that made me feel like a movie star. Its inauguration was a simple dinner with girlfriends. I arrived to the restaurant early and wandered the busy street, browsing in several boutiques. As I was standing just inside the door of one shop, I saw a man walk by the storefront, look in, then back up and enter the shop, walking directly toward me. He apologized for “bothering me” but said he just had to ask if I was an actress (ah, the dress was working!)… He continued to explain that he had done a lot of theater work in New York and was certain he had worked with me before on stage. While this was possibly the cheesiest pick-up line I had ever heard, we chatted a bit and he was actually funny and seemed like a fairly nice guy. He explained he was in the process of launching a theater company in my town and asked for my email address so he could add me to the mailing list. I produced a business card and we said goodbye.
A few days later, Lucio called me at work to inquire if I wanted to be spontaneous and join him for an afternoon iced tea after walking his dog at the local park. I was unavailable and while I was not initially attracted to him, I appreciated his creativity and in the name of giving someone a chance, I agreed to meet him for a cocktail later in the week.
We agreed on a popular happy hour venue located between each of our homes. I had advised that I had dinner plans later in the evening but could briefly meet for one drink. I began to think the time would be very brief indeed when he called to confirm, told me he hadn’t been able to stop thinking of me and asked if I had told my mother about him yet…not so funny. As I arrived at the bar, I received a phone call from Lucio telling me he was running late and would be there shortly. He then told me that he was nearly 12 blocks away and that he was walking!
When he finally arrived, dripping in sweat, in a stained t-shirt, shorts and flip flop sandals, he decided the first bar was too fancy and that we should go next door instead (I will spare the details but this happened two more times before we settled on an empty, well air-conditioned sushi restaurant several blocks from our original venue). The host seated us and as I slid into my side of the booth, he squeezed in next to me – on the same side! Seeing what I am sure was a horrified look on my face, he explained that he just wanted to be close enough so we could talk and get to know each other (really?!).
While I give him credit for asking, um… thoughtful questions, when coupled with the close proximity, a continually sweating brow (he used several cocktail napkins to try to sop up the sweat) they felt invasive, bordering on inappropriate. After dodging multiple questions about my relationship background and parents’ relationship dynamics, I politely inquired about his family, specifically if he had siblings. He immediately launched into a story of being with his family at the Jersey Shore a few years before when his brother suddenly experienced a massive heart attack and died instantly. He went on at length to reminisce about their childhood, all while getting more and more emotional. I wasn’t sure whether to feel pity that he chose to focus on such a sad (and sadly inappropriate!) first date story or to feel doubt that it was even a true story. As he used the few remaining napkins to dry his tears, I decide I really didn’t want to know. I quickly downed the remainder of my cocktail, suddenly “noticed” the late hour and rushed to meet my dinner date which, by the way, was take-out Thai food and a movie, alone on my couch...the best part of my evening.
Honey: Courage to approach a stranger, creativity in dating ideas
Lemons: Just too many to list on this one!
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Best of the Best??
My favorite airport wine bar is at Sea-Tac Airport in Seattle. I found it a couple of years ago, seeking a relaxing glass of wine between connections and have since attempted to make it part of my trip anytime I’m there – it’s a refuge from the chaos, complete with a cheese menu and an impressive wine list. Several months ago, I sampled a flight of three whites. Upon finishing the tasting, I selected a clear favorite – a 2005 Italian pinot grigio - and ordered a glass. At that time, it seemed to be the absolutely best pinot grigio I had ever tasted. The coasters are specific to each wine, providing the varietal, vintage and tasting notes. I carefully tucked my coaster away, willing myself to remember to search for the wine in my local wine shop.
A few months later, I found myself again between flights at Sea-Tac, near giddiness at the opportunity to visit “my spot” again. After rummaging through my wallet, I uncovered the crumpled coaster and proudly placed my wine order by displaying it for the server. The anticipation was delicious as I anxiously awaited the first few sips. However, when it arrived, the first sip was absolutely nothing like I had remembered! It was a bit sharp, slightly acidic and seemed to have a medicinal quality to its finish. It was far from the magic I had enthusiastically expected. Upon confirmation that it was indeed the same exact wine and was a perfectly healthy bottle, the questions began to form in my mind… Had I simply adored it the first time because it was the “best” compared to the other available choices? Additionally, had I liked it the first time but then made it so much bigger and better in my mind that there was no way it could ever possibly live up to my exceedingly high expectations? And slightly more concerning, am I doing the same thing with the guy I recently met???
Ryan and I met several weeks ago and due to being unable to coordinate schedules (both of us travel extensively for work), we have talked on the phone but have not yet scheduled our first official date. I met him on a flight, while stranded in the middle seat, surrounded by an adolescent Girl Scout troop going on their first plane ride. He was a calm island in a sea of noise and chaos. I couldn’t help but wonder though: was he like the 2005 Italian pinot grigio? Did I find him so witty, so brilliant and so attractive simply because of the surroundings in which we met? Furthermore, was I building him up to be even better - larger than life, really - the longer we waited to schedule our date??
Honey or Lemon?? In my quest to define my Honey and Lemons, isn’t it part of my mission to aim for objectivity (as much as the heart allows) in defining my H&L’s, rather than just selecting the “best guy on the airplane”??
A few months later, I found myself again between flights at Sea-Tac, near giddiness at the opportunity to visit “my spot” again. After rummaging through my wallet, I uncovered the crumpled coaster and proudly placed my wine order by displaying it for the server. The anticipation was delicious as I anxiously awaited the first few sips. However, when it arrived, the first sip was absolutely nothing like I had remembered! It was a bit sharp, slightly acidic and seemed to have a medicinal quality to its finish. It was far from the magic I had enthusiastically expected. Upon confirmation that it was indeed the same exact wine and was a perfectly healthy bottle, the questions began to form in my mind… Had I simply adored it the first time because it was the “best” compared to the other available choices? Additionally, had I liked it the first time but then made it so much bigger and better in my mind that there was no way it could ever possibly live up to my exceedingly high expectations? And slightly more concerning, am I doing the same thing with the guy I recently met???
Ryan and I met several weeks ago and due to being unable to coordinate schedules (both of us travel extensively for work), we have talked on the phone but have not yet scheduled our first official date. I met him on a flight, while stranded in the middle seat, surrounded by an adolescent Girl Scout troop going on their first plane ride. He was a calm island in a sea of noise and chaos. I couldn’t help but wonder though: was he like the 2005 Italian pinot grigio? Did I find him so witty, so brilliant and so attractive simply because of the surroundings in which we met? Furthermore, was I building him up to be even better - larger than life, really - the longer we waited to schedule our date??
Honey or Lemon?? In my quest to define my Honey and Lemons, isn’t it part of my mission to aim for objectivity (as much as the heart allows) in defining my H&L’s, rather than just selecting the “best guy on the airplane”??
Friday, May 1, 2009
Dit Voor Dat...
I was taught the term "dit voor dat" by my Dutch friends. It has been loosely translated to several English phrases but most accurately means, "this for that". Mark was not Dutch but shared the Dutch affection for Heineken and the royal color of orange as well as what turned out to be a very strong belief in the "dit voor dat" mentality.
Mark and I met online and enjoyed our first in-person meeting over margaritas at a Mexican cantina in my neighborhood. It was spontaneous - he called after having a business dinner nearby and offered to meet wherever I was most comfortable. There was an instant attraction, conversation was easy and he was a traditional gentleman by insisting to pay the bill, pulling out my chair, opening doors and offering to walk me home.
Things started to shift on our second date when Mark called to advise me he had procured dinner reservations at a popular Italian restaurant near his home. When I asked what time, he suggested I leave early to allow enough time for traffic as the restaurant was very firm on their assigned reservation times. Confused, I inquired if we were meeting at the restaurant and he replied that no, we would simply meet at his home as it was easier to take one car to the restaurant. He then went on to explain that he would come pick me up but the restaurant was so close to his home that it simply didn't make sense. Please note that our homes were exactly 4.2 miles apart (yes, I measured it!).
Over dinner, we recounted childhood stories of minor mischief, college stories of greater mischief and adult stories of dating nightmares. We found a lot in common - shared similar backgrounds and a sarcastic sense of humor. In hindsight, it was because of these commonalities that I overlooked the tranportation challenges. At the end of the evening, we selected a date for our next encounter but did not discuss details.
Two days before Date #3, I received a text message from Mark advising me that it was now my turn to plan and that he would be awaiting instructions. Ever the optimist, I embraced an opportunity to be creative and made reservations at a local Ethiopian restaurant, known for it's authentic cuisine and atmosphere. On the afternoon of our date, I texted a teaser about "traveling to North Africa" and received an immediate reply back reminding me that he had previously mentioned (really?) he did not like any Indian or Africa food (bit of a broad scope for a world traveler, isn't it?). I bit my tongue (or rather my texting finger in this case) and made reservations at a trendy North American "tapa" bar. I also suggested he drive as the restaurant was in my neighborhood this time.
Things were tense from the start of the evening. And, over the first few sips of pre-dinner cocktails, he broached the topic. He explained that he felt as if I was not contributing enough to the "relationship" (relationship? uh, this was date #3, right?). He proceeded to compare, point by point, everything he had "contributed" on our previous two dates. This list included items such as: "calling to make the reservation" and "walking to the bar to order two more drinks". Furthermore, he felt as if I was insensitive to his preferences by even suggesting Ethiopian food and was even more disappointed that my second restaurant choice was so conveniently located near my home, an obvious inconvenience for him to easily reach. Needless to say, there was no meal that evening... Several days later, I received a text message from him suggesting we should "talk about it". I cannot share here exactly what I responded with, but I assure you, it affirmed that I would make no further "contributions" to the "relationship".
Lemons: While I believe fairness and mutual contribution are foundations for a fulfilling relationship, I do not believe that keeping a running tally of "points earned" is the key to tracking one's commitment.
Mark and I met online and enjoyed our first in-person meeting over margaritas at a Mexican cantina in my neighborhood. It was spontaneous - he called after having a business dinner nearby and offered to meet wherever I was most comfortable. There was an instant attraction, conversation was easy and he was a traditional gentleman by insisting to pay the bill, pulling out my chair, opening doors and offering to walk me home.
Things started to shift on our second date when Mark called to advise me he had procured dinner reservations at a popular Italian restaurant near his home. When I asked what time, he suggested I leave early to allow enough time for traffic as the restaurant was very firm on their assigned reservation times. Confused, I inquired if we were meeting at the restaurant and he replied that no, we would simply meet at his home as it was easier to take one car to the restaurant. He then went on to explain that he would come pick me up but the restaurant was so close to his home that it simply didn't make sense. Please note that our homes were exactly 4.2 miles apart (yes, I measured it!).
Over dinner, we recounted childhood stories of minor mischief, college stories of greater mischief and adult stories of dating nightmares. We found a lot in common - shared similar backgrounds and a sarcastic sense of humor. In hindsight, it was because of these commonalities that I overlooked the tranportation challenges. At the end of the evening, we selected a date for our next encounter but did not discuss details.
Two days before Date #3, I received a text message from Mark advising me that it was now my turn to plan and that he would be awaiting instructions. Ever the optimist, I embraced an opportunity to be creative and made reservations at a local Ethiopian restaurant, known for it's authentic cuisine and atmosphere. On the afternoon of our date, I texted a teaser about "traveling to North Africa" and received an immediate reply back reminding me that he had previously mentioned (really?) he did not like any Indian or Africa food (bit of a broad scope for a world traveler, isn't it?). I bit my tongue (or rather my texting finger in this case) and made reservations at a trendy North American "tapa" bar. I also suggested he drive as the restaurant was in my neighborhood this time.
Things were tense from the start of the evening. And, over the first few sips of pre-dinner cocktails, he broached the topic. He explained that he felt as if I was not contributing enough to the "relationship" (relationship? uh, this was date #3, right?). He proceeded to compare, point by point, everything he had "contributed" on our previous two dates. This list included items such as: "calling to make the reservation" and "walking to the bar to order two more drinks". Furthermore, he felt as if I was insensitive to his preferences by even suggesting Ethiopian food and was even more disappointed that my second restaurant choice was so conveniently located near my home, an obvious inconvenience for him to easily reach. Needless to say, there was no meal that evening... Several days later, I received a text message from him suggesting we should "talk about it". I cannot share here exactly what I responded with, but I assure you, it affirmed that I would make no further "contributions" to the "relationship".
Lemons: While I believe fairness and mutual contribution are foundations for a fulfilling relationship, I do not believe that keeping a running tally of "points earned" is the key to tracking one's commitment.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Is there a doctor in the house?
It just might be the most expensive and painful thing that’s led to my meeting of an eligible bachelor… It had all started on a business trip in Atlanta. I developed a seemingly mild skin infection on my leg, consulted my doctor when I arrived home, began taking antibiotics and headed out on another business trip. After four days of medicine and no improvement, my close friend, a nurse, advised me via phone that yes, I did indeed need to consult another doctor. I was working long days on my feet - this time in Boston - and it was painful to stand, let alone walk.
My hotel furnished me with a business card for a group of emergency room physicians that provided on-call services. When there was a knock on my door a few hours later, a young, attractive doctor introduced himself as “Dr. Simpson”. One quick check of his ring finger confirmed that he appeared to be - at least legally - single. I would be lying if I said I didn’t notice his Diesel brand jeans (I’m a sucker for a hot pair of jeans!) or his trendy shoes. In fact, I think my initial attraction to him led to my blood pressure being significantly higher than its usual low numbers.
He was polished, professional and business-like at all times. He offered his personal cell number and promised to check on me the following day. In fact, he even gave me a ride to the local pharmacy that evening. What ensued were several days of a very painful leg infection that was well-monitored with daily calls and follow up from Dr. Simpson who at one point, asked that I just call him “Kris.” While there were a few comments and text messages that could have been loosely construed as flirting, I was unsure as to whether Kris was actually intending to flirt but nonetheless, I was very grateful for his attentiveness.
The medical highlight (or rather, lowlight) of the week was an obligatory visit to the emergency room to rule out a blood clot and to receive intravenous antibiotics. Upon arrival, I met Kris’ colleague who advised me that not only was Dr. Simpson “very concerned” about me but also that he was “a really good guy”… Could it be? I thought. Could this colleague be promoting his friend to me??? While sitting in the noisy ER with an IV needle in my arm, I did what any wise single woman would have done and texted the good looking doctor to inquire if he would like to have a drink, pending my release from the hospital. I felt like his affirmative response was the confirmation that our attraction was mutual (he later told me that my text was the ‘green light’ for him as well). Little did the attending physician know that I was resisting being admitted to the hospital not only because of my work meeting the following day, but even more importantly, due to my pending date with Kris, her colleague!
It was that evening, after a quick shower to refresh (had to scrub that dried blood off of my hand from the IV after all!), that we had our first official “date”. I extended my stay through the weekend to recuperate at a friend’s home and while Kris was going to be out of town for much of the weekend, we remained in touch via phone and made plans to see each other my final night in the area. Our date that final evening was all-too-short although I suspect that a week would not have felt like enough time. My attraction to him was not only physical but also emotional and intellectual.
While we kept in contact for a while, proximity and convenience won out and we eventually agreed that a long-distance relationship was not feasible for either of our current lifestyles. Albeit brief, the experience not only made an unpleasant medical problem more tolerable but more importantly, it also reminded me of what it feels like to be attracted to someone on so many levels…and you know what? It feels really good.
Honey: A man who is well-educated, knowledgeable and passionate about his work is a must-have for me.
My hotel furnished me with a business card for a group of emergency room physicians that provided on-call services. When there was a knock on my door a few hours later, a young, attractive doctor introduced himself as “Dr. Simpson”. One quick check of his ring finger confirmed that he appeared to be - at least legally - single. I would be lying if I said I didn’t notice his Diesel brand jeans (I’m a sucker for a hot pair of jeans!) or his trendy shoes. In fact, I think my initial attraction to him led to my blood pressure being significantly higher than its usual low numbers.
He was polished, professional and business-like at all times. He offered his personal cell number and promised to check on me the following day. In fact, he even gave me a ride to the local pharmacy that evening. What ensued were several days of a very painful leg infection that was well-monitored with daily calls and follow up from Dr. Simpson who at one point, asked that I just call him “Kris.” While there were a few comments and text messages that could have been loosely construed as flirting, I was unsure as to whether Kris was actually intending to flirt but nonetheless, I was very grateful for his attentiveness.
The medical highlight (or rather, lowlight) of the week was an obligatory visit to the emergency room to rule out a blood clot and to receive intravenous antibiotics. Upon arrival, I met Kris’ colleague who advised me that not only was Dr. Simpson “very concerned” about me but also that he was “a really good guy”… Could it be? I thought. Could this colleague be promoting his friend to me??? While sitting in the noisy ER with an IV needle in my arm, I did what any wise single woman would have done and texted the good looking doctor to inquire if he would like to have a drink, pending my release from the hospital. I felt like his affirmative response was the confirmation that our attraction was mutual (he later told me that my text was the ‘green light’ for him as well). Little did the attending physician know that I was resisting being admitted to the hospital not only because of my work meeting the following day, but even more importantly, due to my pending date with Kris, her colleague!
It was that evening, after a quick shower to refresh (had to scrub that dried blood off of my hand from the IV after all!), that we had our first official “date”. I extended my stay through the weekend to recuperate at a friend’s home and while Kris was going to be out of town for much of the weekend, we remained in touch via phone and made plans to see each other my final night in the area. Our date that final evening was all-too-short although I suspect that a week would not have felt like enough time. My attraction to him was not only physical but also emotional and intellectual.
While we kept in contact for a while, proximity and convenience won out and we eventually agreed that a long-distance relationship was not feasible for either of our current lifestyles. Albeit brief, the experience not only made an unpleasant medical problem more tolerable but more importantly, it also reminded me of what it feels like to be attracted to someone on so many levels…and you know what? It feels really good.
Honey: A man who is well-educated, knowledgeable and passionate about his work is a must-have for me.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Did someone say "communication"???
Ivan and I first met at a hotel bar near his home. We had met online the previous week and with a busy week of working out of several offices, we agreed to meet on the day I was working near his neighborhood. He was casually dressed in jeans, a faded t-shirt and running shoes but was attractive and very witty. We enjoyed one beverage before we both had to leave for previously scheduled dinner plans. He called the following day to invite me to a movie and drinks the following weekend. While Date #2 met all of the basic date criteria, it concluded with me feeling like we knew each other little more than after our initial meeting. After the movie we had gone for exactly one drink as he needed “to be fresh for an early morning meeting”. And, he had gulped that one drink down in less than ten minutes! Accordingly, our conversation was brief and superficial in nature. I hoped that Date #3 would yield a conversation breakthrough… until he suggested another movie. This time, he requested that I come to his home and we go from there. When I arrived at his home, I was anticipating a jaunt to a local theater but he suggested we watch a movie at his place (umm, okay, this was starting to feel a bit like a boy in college trying to make out…). I wanted to be (or at least appear to be) spontaneous and ever-flexible and thus, I agreed. He asked me to view the bookcase of movies and pick something I liked. When I finally selected three possible titles, he advised me that he had actually seen them all and suggested we select one from the “pay per view” list (ummm, okay… so why’d he even ask me to look at the bookcase? Did he not already know he’d likely seen all of his own movies??).
It went downhill from there… it seems the television screen in the living room was “too small” so he suggested we watch the movie in his bedroom. We watched a three-hour epic sitting on his bed, with our backs propped against the wall, drinking rum and cokes and feeling like I was back in high school. He tried to make “a move” a couple of times but I made it clear that I was extremely interested in following every, little detail of the storyline. At the end of the movie, I made an explanation of having to be up early the next morning and quickly made my escape with a quick peck on the cheek. Three strikes and you’re OUT! Emotionally stunted? Perhaps. Painfully anti-social? Maybe. Not the one for me? Definitely.
Lemons: I am a social being. I like to talk and I like to listen. Meaningful dialogue is extremely important to me. Ivan taught me that I cannot date someone who is unable or unwilling to share of oneself and get to know me in the same manner. Seems like normal adult human interaction, doesn’t it?!
It went downhill from there… it seems the television screen in the living room was “too small” so he suggested we watch the movie in his bedroom. We watched a three-hour epic sitting on his bed, with our backs propped against the wall, drinking rum and cokes and feeling like I was back in high school. He tried to make “a move” a couple of times but I made it clear that I was extremely interested in following every, little detail of the storyline. At the end of the movie, I made an explanation of having to be up early the next morning and quickly made my escape with a quick peck on the cheek. Three strikes and you’re OUT! Emotionally stunted? Perhaps. Painfully anti-social? Maybe. Not the one for me? Definitely.
Lemons: I am a social being. I like to talk and I like to listen. Meaningful dialogue is extremely important to me. Ivan taught me that I cannot date someone who is unable or unwilling to share of oneself and get to know me in the same manner. Seems like normal adult human interaction, doesn’t it?!
Hungry Girl
I met Jeff at a local pub while waiting in line for beer and listening to 80’s tunes on the juke box. In fact, his friend and I were actually hitting it off quite well…that is, until his friend found himself too drunk to stand in line any longer. Enter Jeff. Initially, I wasn’t really all that attracted to him physically, but he was smart, funny and very entertaining. So, I agreed to go out with him. The first date was billed as “dinner and a comedy club”. We arrived with plenty of time to spare, grabbed our tickets and proceeded to a charming Italian restaurant down the street. We ordered cocktails and perused the menu. After the waiter took my order for a chicken and sundried tomato penne entree, Jeff advised him that he was simply “good with just the wine”. He then explained to me that he had been obese as an adolescent and young adult. And, after losing nearly one hundred pounds by limiting his daily intake to a two liter container of diet soda, he found that he could now only eat one meal a day to maintain his weight loss. And, since he had eaten breakfast that day, he was done.
Now, I am average height and weight, but I must say, I LOVE MY FOOD. Eating is not only a necessity for nourishment, it is a social ritual that brings me great joy - to me, sharing a meal with someone is intimate, it fosters meaningful dialogue and is truly one of my favorite hobbies. And as I quickly learned that night with Jeff, it is just not the same when someone simply watches me eat.
Not wanting to be too quick to judge, I suggested for our next date that we go to dinner again but that this time, it be Jeff’s daily meal. He was game and I suggested my favorite sushi spot. He asked if he could order for both of us and I obliged. It is important to note that he ordered significantly less than what I order there when I am ALONE. And, when the petite, itsy-bitsy order arrived, he quickly ate his share and confidently announced how incredibly full he was! Again, I do not think I eat an abnormally large amount of food, but I am also not a dainty “oh I’m already full after one bite of lettuce” kind of gal either. However, in an effort to not appear like a great hungry hippo, I agreed at how filling the meal was. And then, I went home alone and made a sandwich… a really big sandwich. As you may guess, there was no Date #3 and heck, who knows…perhaps he is blogging somewhere today about me as “The REALLY Hungry Girl”!
Lemon: I want a man that shares my vision of a meal as a meaningful experience to share together. I want a man that eats...regularly. And, when he does eat, I want for him to eat as much or more than I do.
Now, I am average height and weight, but I must say, I LOVE MY FOOD. Eating is not only a necessity for nourishment, it is a social ritual that brings me great joy - to me, sharing a meal with someone is intimate, it fosters meaningful dialogue and is truly one of my favorite hobbies. And as I quickly learned that night with Jeff, it is just not the same when someone simply watches me eat.
Not wanting to be too quick to judge, I suggested for our next date that we go to dinner again but that this time, it be Jeff’s daily meal. He was game and I suggested my favorite sushi spot. He asked if he could order for both of us and I obliged. It is important to note that he ordered significantly less than what I order there when I am ALONE. And, when the petite, itsy-bitsy order arrived, he quickly ate his share and confidently announced how incredibly full he was! Again, I do not think I eat an abnormally large amount of food, but I am also not a dainty “oh I’m already full after one bite of lettuce” kind of gal either. However, in an effort to not appear like a great hungry hippo, I agreed at how filling the meal was. And then, I went home alone and made a sandwich… a really big sandwich. As you may guess, there was no Date #3 and heck, who knows…perhaps he is blogging somewhere today about me as “The REALLY Hungry Girl”!
Lemon: I want a man that shares my vision of a meal as a meaningful experience to share together. I want a man that eats...regularly. And, when he does eat, I want for him to eat as much or more than I do.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Intro
This month is my two year anniversary of moving to a new city and the official beginning of placing the checkmark in that little box indicating that I am “single”. When I arrived, I had just ended a decade-long relationship and was suddenly single, for the first time really, as an adult. This truth was simultaneously exhilarating and terrifying. The last time I dated was in college and really, was that even dating? In fact, I’m quite sure that attending a frat party because my roommate’s friend’s cousin’s brother lived there or drunk dialing that hot guy from my chem lab was indeed not dating. Now, in my mid-30’s, I didn’t quite know where to begin.
So, I’ve jumped in head first – I enthusiastically go to bars, parties and work-sponsored events. I ask friends to set me up and I've even ventured onto the plethora of online dating sites. Accordingly, I've begun dating and dating A LOT. While sometimes funny, occasionally embarrassing, all-too-often disappointing and at times even a little bit sad, I’ve noticed some common themes in the type of men I date. In fact, some weeks I've felt like I’m on a carnival ride that keeps passing the same familiar landmarks as it spins around, making me dizzy and a bit nauseous.
Then, a happily married colleague shared her story with me: she spent ten years – yep, you read that right: ONE WHOLE DECADE – dating. She explained that after a failed relationship, she began to approach dating very strategically. She believed that each date, good or bad, would at the very least yield insight into the qualities most important to her in a life partner. Throughout the process, she began compiling an actual handwritten list of her “Must Haves” as well as her “Dealbreakers”.
Now, I am not discounting chemistry or intuition here – I think both are of the utmost importance in life and certainly, in love – but as a natural-born list maker, I think this idea might be worth a shot. I don’t believe that there is a right or wrong answer to any of this and I fully recognize that nothing in life is simply black and white. But, after nearly two years on the same crazy carnival ride, I’m thinking: “What the heck??! Let’s give the list a try!”
And so begins my list of the "Honey" (this is that stuff that I really, really want in my world – it makes life just a little bit sweeter) and the "Lemons" (in contrast, while sometimes okay in small amounts, this is the stuff, when consistently present that just leaves my stomach a bit uneasy). While the content is accurate, the dates, times and locations are sometimes changed to protect the innocent (well, and in some cases, simply to keep my mother from guessing it’s me!). Oh, and don’t worry guys, I’ve changed your names too. My hope in writing this is for clarity and that perhaps, just maybe, my experience will inspire you too… not necessarily to make your own list, but rather not to settle into a relationship that is missing a key component of what you know you want and need for true fulfillment. Simply put, life is just too short to settle.
So, I’ve jumped in head first – I enthusiastically go to bars, parties and work-sponsored events. I ask friends to set me up and I've even ventured onto the plethora of online dating sites. Accordingly, I've begun dating and dating A LOT. While sometimes funny, occasionally embarrassing, all-too-often disappointing and at times even a little bit sad, I’ve noticed some common themes in the type of men I date. In fact, some weeks I've felt like I’m on a carnival ride that keeps passing the same familiar landmarks as it spins around, making me dizzy and a bit nauseous.
Then, a happily married colleague shared her story with me: she spent ten years – yep, you read that right: ONE WHOLE DECADE – dating. She explained that after a failed relationship, she began to approach dating very strategically. She believed that each date, good or bad, would at the very least yield insight into the qualities most important to her in a life partner. Throughout the process, she began compiling an actual handwritten list of her “Must Haves” as well as her “Dealbreakers”.
Now, I am not discounting chemistry or intuition here – I think both are of the utmost importance in life and certainly, in love – but as a natural-born list maker, I think this idea might be worth a shot. I don’t believe that there is a right or wrong answer to any of this and I fully recognize that nothing in life is simply black and white. But, after nearly two years on the same crazy carnival ride, I’m thinking: “What the heck??! Let’s give the list a try!”
And so begins my list of the "Honey" (this is that stuff that I really, really want in my world – it makes life just a little bit sweeter) and the "Lemons" (in contrast, while sometimes okay in small amounts, this is the stuff, when consistently present that just leaves my stomach a bit uneasy). While the content is accurate, the dates, times and locations are sometimes changed to protect the innocent (well, and in some cases, simply to keep my mother from guessing it’s me!). Oh, and don’t worry guys, I’ve changed your names too. My hope in writing this is for clarity and that perhaps, just maybe, my experience will inspire you too… not necessarily to make your own list, but rather not to settle into a relationship that is missing a key component of what you know you want and need for true fulfillment. Simply put, life is just too short to settle.
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